I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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