I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
