We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
