I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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