he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
