Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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