Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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