He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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