if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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