So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
