Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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