So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
