seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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