nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
