I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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