mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
this hospital has no fireball
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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