Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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