Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
