Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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