I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
