M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
