I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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