Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
A bitchslap is in order.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
