I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
