Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
