a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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