My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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