I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
