Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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