if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
