Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
