Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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