Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
