From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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