I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
3pm strippers are depressing
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
