I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
