my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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