I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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