Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
