it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
