He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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