i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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