Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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