im having a threesome with these popsicles
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
