Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
