Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
