I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
