totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
