i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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