Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I love you.
Bad choice
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
