so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
